Well I will be honest, I've been very up and down, side to side lately, feeling like I'm being tossed around in a whirlwind of sorrow/ regret and yet a underlying laughter. Summer is slow in coming, my heart isnt as warm as i want it to be. circumstances seem to have kicked me to the floor, well im on my knees now. this past weekend was a long weekend for us due to 4th of July there were some really key parts to this weekend, I got ministered to in a way I hopefully wont forget anytime soon. though a lot of it didn't sink in until yesterday night, God spoke through others that I am like a wall in a good way where i am constantly moving forward as a ground breaker and actually protecting the inhabitants of my heart, and my heart is to serve and to bring joy. the joy of the Lord is my strength, and last but not least that the places where i feel like ive hurt people are going to become new.
earlier last night i didnt believe any of these good things about myself, i felt like the mistakes that ive made have made God angry and that He is rejecting me for my disobedience, that He had lifted His presence off of me and that peace that He offers was too far gone, that i was a wicked man being tossed in the waves of destruction, I turned to the Bible and really it didnt help me much the first reading, to which i asked God why was i feeling such condemnation, a aha moment told me this wasnt God that was making me feel such a weight such hopelessness and believe me this feeling has been building for a while. I simply said "God has accepted me, paid for me with a price, Jesus is my hope and i put my trust in Him" bam heaviness was already being lifted off and in came some valid hope, i felt conviction for a few things that i was feeling condemnation for but i read the same words in the bible and they brought a new understanding.
this morning i woke up at 6am and went down to the beach for about a hour watching the waves, felt joy and peace again, trying to go back to the simple place of abiding in Christ, and seeing circumstances in the eyes of hope and love and those eyes are Christs eyes.